Martin Luther King Is Not a Weapon

Martin Luther King is not a weapon to be wielded against the people he fought to protect.

If you think Martin Luther King, Jr. would not have been sympathetic to the rioters, it means the only MLK speech you have read is “I Have a Dream.” Read any other speech.

MLK was not some peace-loving hippy sitting in a drum circle singing kumbaya. He was the leader of an army who taught his soldiers to take punches instead of start fights. He chose nonviolent civil disobedience in part because he believed white Americans could not turn away from the sight of the police brutally attacking people who didn’t fight back.

Part of the strategy of nonviolent direct action during the Civil Rights Movement was to break the law. MLK went to jail 29 times. One of his most famous pieces of writing, “The Letter from Birmingham Jail,” was written from jail.

He wrote “The Letter from Birmingham Jail” in response to white people who were basically saying, “That is not the right way to protest.”

The whole point of nonviolent civil disobedience is to create so much tension that it is impossible to ignore the injustices causing the unrest. Disruption is the point!

From “The Letter from Birmingham Jail:” “You deplore the demonstrations taking place in Birmingham. But your statement, I am sorry to say, fails to express a similar concern for the conditions that brought about the demonstrations.”

I understand feeling outrage for rioting and looting. Where is your outrage for the rest?

Post-Parkland

This semester, one of my students took his own life. He was in my 1st period, a class with 35 students.

I only had him for four weeks before he committed suicide. After such a short time, I couldn't have known him well enough to recognize what was going through his mind. But I've still struggled with an insistent nagging that I should have known, and I've spent the rest of this semester in a state of analytical paranoia, scouring the journals and essays of my remaining 92 students for signs of suicide and depression.

A couple of weeks ago, a mother of one of the girls in that same class called to yell at me. My daughter is struggling with depression. Why didn't you notice? Why didn't you do something? How could you be so insensitive?

Missed it again.

Last night, I dreamed that I was shot by a school shooter.

That probably feels like a cruel non sequitur, but I don't mean it to be. I have spent the past four years of my teaching career pretending that I live in a world where school shootings are not a thing. How else could you go to work every day? But the week my student took his own life and the week a troubled teen in Parkland, FL took the lives of seventeen innocent students? That was the same week.

I can't get it out of my mind, those two intertwining tragedies.

As much as we wish for a magic formula to identify potential school shooters, researchers who study these incidents say that shooters do not follow a consistent profile. Despite the impassioned anti-bullying pleas on social media, the truth is that bullying has been a factor in some cases, but not all. Diagnosable mental health issues like schizophrenia have been a factor in some cases, but not all. Loners...some but not all. Prior criminal records...some but not all.

So what can we say about the profile of a school shooter? In nearly every case: White. Male. Has displayed signs of suicide and/or depression. Has hinted at his plans to friends, on social media, or in class assignments.

Post-Parkland, the pressure as a teacher to identify and rescue feels so much heavier. Meanwhile, my class sizes keep getting bigger and bigger. Does 35 sound like a reasonable class size to you? Good, because next year you should expect 36. And you might be asked to carry a gun.

North Carolina teacher to student allotment 1:29.
NC counselor to student ratio 1:400
NC school psychologist to student ratio 1: 2100.

When you choose to be a teacher, you go into it knowing the job is more than just teaching lessons and grading papers, but how many balls can one person keep in the air at one time?

A Hard Day for Dreaming

This is a novel I wrote once upon a time. It's been gathering dust in a google drive for a few years. If you're not doing anything with the rest of your Christmas break, you could read it. I'm pretty proud of it.
...

A HARD DAY FOR DREAMING

In her last semester of college, Emma Whitacker is torn between two men. She feels a connection with steady but stoic Thomas thanks to their shared love of indie bands, and when he tells her that he loves her, she believes she has found true love. But when her friend Will impulsively kisses her, her confused feelings leave her questioning how you know when you've found The One. Ten years later, married to one man but dreaming about the other, she can’t help but wonder, “Did I make the right choice?” Pulled between the past and the present, Emma contemplates what it means to fall in love, to be married, and to become a mother.

My narrative nonfiction example

My students are working on an assignment in which they have to interview someone and then use that interview as the basis for their own narrative nonfiction piece. They were having a hard time with the assignment, so I wrote my own example.

RECURSIVE DREAM

Well, he did it

Nine Questions with Michael and Erin Peters

Vox has a series where they ask prominent figures in American society nine questions. I think they're interesting questions, so Michael and I answered them.

What’s the first piece of media you consume every day?

ERIN: I listen to podcasts on my way to work. 

MICHAEL: podcasts

Name a writer or publication you disagree with but still read.

ERIN: A little more than a year ago, confused by Trump's rise toward the presidency, I began reading National Review online. After the election, I subscribed to the print version as well. A lot of the times I'm horrified by the things they say (and even more horrified that they don't think there's anything wrong with saying it), but I also think they occasionally make good points and present a refreshing flip side to the mainstream media coverage. At the same time, anytime I've taken a National Review with me out in public, I've been too self-conscious to pull it out of my purse.

MICHAEL: Robert Rush. He's an economist that worked in the Clinton administration. He has some good insights on things but can be too partisan.

Who is the person who has most influenced the way you think?

ERIN: Thomas Jefferson, even though he and I recently had a falling out.

MICHAEL: Tim Hartford. He wrote The Undercover Economist, and I think he does a good job explaining where markets do a good job and where they don't do a good job in the world.

When was the last time you changed your mind about something?

ERIN: I recently listened to a TED talk about how scientists need to revise how they teach people about science, and I realized that all of the arguments I've had with Michael over the years about why I don't have faith in science are really because my science teachers did a bad job of teaching what science really is. 

MICHAEL: I recently changed my mind about Java being a horrible programming language. Now I just think it's mildly annoying.

What’s your worst intellectual habit?

ERIN:  Even though Facebook's algorithms have turned my Facebook feed into a boring stream of memes and status updates from people I don't even know, I can't convince myself to stop getting on Facebook.

MICHAEL: Confirmation bias.

What inspires you to learn?

ERIN: Everything is awesome.

MICHAEL: That's a hard one because I just enjoy learning. How do you get inspired to do something that you just like doing?

What do you need to believe in order to get through the day?

ERIN: That people are basically good. I don't actually believe it, but since I need to believe it, I lie to myself daily.

MICHAEL: That most people are trying to do what they think is right.

What’s a view that you hold but can’t defend?

ERIN: Mormonism?

MICHAEL: The saxophone is a horrible instrument.

What book have you recommended the most?

ERIN: A Monster Calls.

MICHAEL: The Name of the Wind.

Sibling Wars

SIBLING WAR! Answer how YOU feel about you and your siblings.

1.Who's the smartest one? Dad
2. Most spoiled? Rylan
3. Most sensitive? Rylan
4. Worst temper?  Cole
5. Most social?  Rylan is a Chatterbox
6. Most stubborn?  Cole
7. Most organized? Not Rylan!!!!!
8. Best cook?  Cole makes delicious cookies. Eli makes delicious smoothies and milkshakes.
9. Who's the funniest?  Eli
10. Who was the bad kid? Cole was the worst baby. Rylan was the best baby.
11. Who has the biggest heart?  Eli got the Team Player Award for Outstanding Cooperation at his 6th graduation. Basically, kindest student in the 6th grade. I could not have been prouder.
12. Who's the quietest? Eli
13. Who's the worst driver? Rylan is the only one who has any interest in cars.
14. Who was born 1st? Cole
15. Who is better at sports? Mom. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
16. Best hair? Rylan at 6 months
17. Most kids?  Tied at zero for at least 15 more years
18. Coffee drinker? None unless they are sneaky
19. Who is loudest? Rylan
20. Who is most conservative? Cole says he is most liberal in wanting changes in the parental government.
21. Most expensive taste?  Cole currently has an obsession with buying Adidas and Nike.
22. Who's the tallest? Cole for now.

1/19/17 (Distracting myself from thinking about the inauguration by worrying about other things instead)

Do y'all remember that horrible viral video that was going around a couple years ago where the school resource officer was called into a classroom to remove a stubborn student, and he ended up throwing her across the room? And afterward, how there were a bunch of people commenting about the girl's home life and criticizing the teacher for not being more aware of the girl's personal problems because if the dang teacher had just called home he would have known to handle the situation more sensitively and it all could have been avoided? Thinking about that today...

In just the past couple of weeks, I've had students uncharacteristically come into class, put their head down, and refuse to work. I've had students disappear from school for a few days with no explanation. I have a senior that I've begged to stay after school with me to bring up his grade, and he never shows. I have a student that I know is functionally illiterate and scared to death that his peers will figure it out, and I'm plagued by the fact that there is so little I can do. I have a student with 20+ absences and a baby at home who just got suspended for who knows what. I worry about every single one of them every single day. But I have 75 students.

As a teacher, there's a constant nagging worry that the time you choose to nurture your personal life or your family life rather than making sacrifices for your students - that's the time it will turn out that you've neglected a student who really needed you. There's this constant pressure as a teacher to save every single child who passes through your classroom. But you can't. You just can't.

The SRO behaved badly, the teacher didn't handle the situation exactly right, but also...it's really complicated.

50 Books in 2016

I'm continuing to challenge myself to read 50 books a year. I made it to 48 this year. Not bad!

One of the best books I read this year was The Orphan Master's Son *****, which was theoretically about North Korea. Although slow, it was extremely thought-provoking. For months, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I wouldn't mind reading it again.

Another interesting book was The Luminaries ****, which just had an interesting structure. The plot itself was meh, but the structure was incredibly impressive.

After re-reading A Monster Calls, I read a bunch more by Patrick Ness:
A Monster Calls *****
The Rest of Us Just Live Here ***
More Than This ****
The Ask and the Answer ***
The Knife of Never Letting Go *****

I was also on a Rainbow Rowell kick:
Attachments ****
Landline ***
Fangirl ****

I got in a few non-fiction books this year (including one I couldn't finish):
In Cold Blood ****
Pushout ***
Mindset * (1 star means unfinished)
Between the World and Me ****
The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind *****
Behind the Beautiful Forevers ***

But mostly I read YA fantasy series:
          The Infernal Devices (Embarrassingly, I love this author)
                     Clockwork Princess ****
                     Clockwork Prince ****
                     Clockwork Angel ****
          The Selection
                    The One ***
                    The Elite ***
                    The Selection ***
          Daughter of Smoke and Bone
                    Dreams of Gods and Monsters ****
                    Days of Blood and Starlight ****
                    Daughter of Smoke and Bone ****

I actually am not much of a fan of fantasy series, so this is annoying. Also, I didn't read much real literature this year - a fact I hope to remedy in 2017.

Here are the rest:
Epic **
If I Stay **
The Bluest Eye **
One Second After **
Parrot in the Oven ***
Maus I ***
Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend ***
A Trick of the Light ***
Next ***
The Husband ***
The Wonder ***
Tell the Wolves I'm Home ***
The Underground Railroad ***
Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet ***
Fever 1793 ***
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children ***
Station Eleven ****
The Supreme's at Earl's All You Can Eat ****
Please Ignore Vera Dietz ****
The Truth about Forever ****
Monster ****
We Were Here ****
Mexican Whiteboy ****

Selfie with the 'Rents

11/11/2016

I told my mom last night, "On Wednesday, I cried. Today, I'm angry. I guess I just have to keep working through all of the stages of grief, but eventually, I'll get to acceptance."

And my mom, in a moment of blunt, poignant honesty, said, "Mmhmm...because we're white."

All I wanted from this election was for Americans to proclaim once and for all through our beautiful, precious democratic system: "We reject racism. We do not support it in any way. We do not even tolerate it."

I absolutely believe that the majority of you that voted for Trump are not racists. But "Make America Great Again" was a package deal, and you cast your vote, intentionally or not, for the entire package. Despite the fact that racism was part of the package, was even the way the package was introduced from the start of the campaign, you did not reject it.

A lot of us are afraid for what will happen next. As my mom so bluntly pointed out, many of us will be able to ride it out without much consequence. Many others will not. Even if you did not intend to vote for racism, those that did heard the message loud and clear: In America, we tolerate racism.

If you truly, absolutely did not intend to cast a vote for an America that tolerates racism, stop telling me to quit whining or to accept defeat graciously, and start loudly declaring, "We reject racism. We do not support it in any way. We do not even tolerate it." And then prove to me, and to those who really need to hear it, that those words are true. Please, prove me wrong.

11/9/2016

Dear Trump Supporters,

Today, I stood in front of 70 minority students who were looking to me for answers, and I said, "We are not going to talk about the election today."

They said, "I am so angry," and I said, "We're not going to talk about it."

They said, "I'm scared," and I said, "We're not going to talk about it."

They said, "How can I possibly do any work today?" and I said, "We just keep working. And we're not going to talk about it."

I did not know what to tell them. I felt their anger and their fear and their grief, and I had no words. But now, to you, I have words.

Throughout this election, you have insisted that it is not about race, it's about the economy; it's not about race, it's about protecting our values; it's not about race, it's about change.

My husband and I often tell our children that it doesn't matter what you meant to say if it's not what your audience heard. So let me tell you what your audience heard. Let me tell you exactly what you told my students of color, the children of color in my church family, the people of color that I am so lucky to call friends.

"Racism is fine."

"Misogyny is tolerable."

"We don't want you here."

I keep seeing messages on Facebook trying to remind us that now is a time to set aside our differences, to put the election behind us, to unite. I hope that we, as a country, can move past this. I hope, that we as Americans, can heal. But today...Today, I will not forgive you.

Half Marathon Numero Dos

I ran a half marathon in August in Atlanta, GA with Kellie and my college roommate Kate Rasnick. Kate is a running expert (she runs a half marathon a month), and Kellie was still faster than me even though she was pregnant. But I did it - even if I threw up at the end!

One Thing They Don't Tell You

One thing they don't tell you when you're studying to become a teacher is that one of your students will be arrested and charged with first degree murder, and when you find out, all you can think is, “Him? No. That can’t be right. He was a sweet kid. Always hung out in my class during lunch.” But you look it up, and it’s true.

And a few months later one of your students will be arrested for throwing bricks off an overpass, which is hilarious, but not really, because he was a bright kid, and now he's in jail too, and his life is ruined, and there’s nothing you can do.

And they don't tell you that one of your students will die in a tragic car accident - two years after surviving cancer, three days before receiving his diploma - and you’ll cry on the way to school, but you’ll put on a brave face before walking into the building because being a teacher means pulling it together for the students that need you.

Being a teacher means spending your whole Christmas break worried about a student who always wanted to join the military until he found out that he can't join the military because his parents brought him to this country illegally when he was a baby, and he is so upset that he skipped class and sat in your room during your planning period, saying nothing for ninety minutes because Latino men don't cry.

Being a teacher means holding your student while she weeps after her grandma died, and you cry a little too because she's sad, but also because when she broke down in math class and they asked her what she needed, she said you.

One thing they tell you when you’re studying to be a teacher is not to let your students hug you, no touching, a pat on the back is fine, a side hug if you need to, but not a true hug with both arms, it’s asking for trouble. But being a teacher means letting your students hug you anyway on the last day of school because they love you and you love them.

50 Books Challenge in 2015

I'm continuing to challenge myself to read 50 books a year. Since I started working, it gets harder and harder to find time to read, so I didn't quite make it to 50 this year (only 46). Still, I keep trying!

Usually as part of my challenge, I pick an author to read in-depth, but this year, my reading habits were more sporadic and very YA focused.

I read three Brandon Sanderson books, and finally found one that I really liked:

• The Rithmatist *****
• Firefight ****
• Steelheart ***

Caught up on a ton of mediocre YA supernatural romance trilogies:

• Shiver ***
• Linger ***
• Forever ***

• The Gathering ***
• The Calling ***
• The Rising ** (wish I had not read the whole trilogy)

• Hush, Hush *** (learned my lesson from the last trilogy and didn't continue with the rest)

A couple of re-reads:

• The Westing Game *****
• Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes ****

Books I read for school:

• Of Mice and Men ****
• Out of the Dust ***
• Thirteen Reasons Why ***

Some non-fiction, particularly focused on professional development:

• Teach Like a Champion *****
• Hey Natalie Jean ****
• Grammar Keepers ****
• Women at Church: Magnifying LDS Women's Local Impact ***
• Total Participation Techniques ***
• Reading Reasons ***
• Unbroken ** (hated this book!)

And the rest:

• The Golem and the Jinni *****
• The Wednesday Wars *****
• Tiny Sunbirds Far Away *****
• Stargirl ****
• The Story of Beautiful Girl ****
• The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian ****
• These Is My Words ****
• Code Name Verity ****
• The Language of Flowers ****
• The Shadow of the Wind ****
• The Thief Lord ****
• Big Little Lies ****
• Orphan Train ****
• Me Before You ****
• Ready Player One ***
• The Peach Keeper ***
• Poison ***
• The Boston Girl ***
• Little Mercies ***
• How to Build a Girl ***
• Virals ***
• Gilded ***
• The Search for WondLa ***
• Go Ask Alice **

Overall, it was a pretty good year for reading. Look at all those four or five star books! Here's hoping 2016 is as good!

We Thank Thee O God for a Prophet

A few years ago, I texted my grandma during conference, "I'm singing 'We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet' and thinking of you!"

My grandma texted back, "My favorite song! I'm so thankful for a prophet!"

She's a convert to the Church and has told me that prophets were one of the main reasons she decided to be baptized. It didn't make sense to her that there would be prophets in ancient times but not modern times. Why would God speak to people then but not now?

It seems like a testimony of a prophet has been under attack a lot lately. Maybe it's just that I'm older now and more aware of it, but it seems like every few months I get on Facebook and discover yet another reason the Church is being scrutinized or attacked for something some General Authority, past or present, said or did.

It seems like so many people are finding more and more reasons to say, "They were wrong about that, and they're wrong about this, and they're wrong about this, and now I'm not sure I can believe anything they say. And I have a testimony of some things, but I don't want to follow the prophet. And I want to be a Mormon, but I want to do it my way, not theirs."

I find this such a hard line to walk because for me, it boils down to this: Either there are prophets, or there is nothing. Either God speaks to people now just as he did then, or he doesn't exist at all. Either God has a plan for me, a purpose beyond this life, and has prepared a way for me to receive direction and understanding about that plan, or none of it is true.

I have had too many sacred experiences that confirm for me the existence of God. And so I believe in prophets.

And yet, I don't believe that prophets are perfect men. I don't believe in papal infallibility. I think mistakes have been made in the past. And once you admit that mistakes have been made, it opens up the flood gates of doubt...If they were wrong about that, what else are they wrong about?

This week, I have been mourning with those that mourn. For some reason, today has been especially hard to the point that I have been slightly on the verge of tears all morning. I think it may be because I went to a Relief Society meeting last night where several women opened up about the struggles they've had to endure and continue to endure with their mental health, and I left the meeting wondering, as I've often wondered before, why has my life been so easy?

Why have I had to struggle so little when so many people have lifelong challenges to endure? Why do some of us get off so easy? Shouldn't the challenges and struggles be more evenly distributed? It isn't fair.

I think often about the challenges that my children may have to face in the future. I wonder what burdens they will have to bear in their lives. I worry about this line in the sand that has been drawn: Do you follow the prophet? And I am sad for the sacrifices they may have to make if the answer is yes.

I mourn this line in the sand.

And so I have been mourning with those that mourn, walking around on the verge of tears, reminding myself...God speaks to prophets now just as he did then. And also, we believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God.

Dear Lawn-mowing Men, Is It Really That Hard to Cover Up? (A Parody)

Dear Lawn-mowing Men,

Okay, I'm just going to say what everyone's thinking.

What's with all the controversy about shirtless lawn-mowing?

I mean, seriously.

Is it really that hard to cover up?

Here's the deal: Strangers don't want to see your areola. (Yeah, that's it.)

I don't get what part of that is offensive.

Look, I get it. I've mowed the lawn, so I totally understand that covering up can be a pain. At first, it's fine, but once the temperature hits 90 degrees, the sweat starts dripping down your back, pooling between your butt cheeks, and the whole lawn-mowing thing becomes a chore.

I've been there. I get it.

I've mowed the lawn in the spring, summer, and fall; in North Carolina's heat, up and down Kentucky's hills; while dying from allergies. One time, I even borrowed my parents' lawnmower so I could mow the tiny yard of the house I rented in college because my neighbors had begun ostracizing me and my roommates.

But, I still managed to keep my naked nipples covered while pushing the mower around the yard.

Really, is it that big of a deal?

I totally get the importance of normalizing lawn-mowing and spreading awareness that we are keeping our lawns healthy. Which, of course, is more important than anything.

I totally feel you. And I'm with ya.

But let's stop pretending that you're fighting a stigma that doesn't exist. Around here, when you tell someone you mow your lawn, you get compliments and praise. It's not California, where you really shouldn't have a lawn at all because you're in the middle of the worst drought in 1200 years.

Here, things are completely different.

And, if anything, there's unfair stigma on people who don't mow their lawns.

The truth is, unless you're Hugh Jackman, I don't want to see your naked boobs.

That doesn't mean I'm sexualizing lawn-mowing. It means that a naked male chest, to most people in our culture, is a sexual thing.

(Sorry. It's true. Whether there's a kid attached to it or not.) 

And, at least in my opinion, unless you have a perfectly sculpted chest and magnificent six pack, no amount of lawn-mowing is going to change the fact that the chest is still considered a 'naked part' in our society.

Yes, you are doing your household chores. Yes, it's hot. Yes, it's natural.

But you know what?

Your urine is a great fertilizer, but I don't see you flashin' your penis around.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe you're just trying to prove a point, and I just don't get it. We all mow our lawns our own way, and I love that. I really do think it's a beautiful thing that all lawns are different.

So, for what it's worth, this is just my own truth: I would really appreciate not seeing your naked parts. (Again, unless you're Hugh Jackman. Then by all means, mow your lawn without a shirt. Or even better, mow my lawn without a shirt. Everyone else, I'm sorry.)

So, go ahead.

Mow the lawn at the park, at the mall, in front of the church. Or hire someone. (I have.) Xeriscape your lawn, for all I care. (Seriously, you go bro.)

But don't hate me because I don't want to see your naked chest.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Lawn-Mower Who Just Doesn't Get It

(See the original breastfeeding post here.) 

A Room with a View revisited (with a bonus scene from my novel)

I read A Room with a View for the dozenth time this weekend and have been thinking again about why I love it so and why other people do not love it so much.

I think one problem many people have with the book is Forster's writing style. At times, Forster is explicitly straightforward, speaking directly to the reader: "It is obvious for the reader to conclude, 'She loves young Emerson.' A reader in Lucy's place would not find it obvious." Other times, Forster is oblique. For example, near the beginning of the book Lucy and George witness a murder, and it changes everything. It's the whole reason George breaks out of his depression, falls in love with Lucy, and pursues her. But the entire murder is described in four sentences. The first time I read the book, I missed it. I thought Lucy had seen a fight - not a murder. So then when they started talking about the dying man and the murderer, I was like, "Wait. What?" And I had to go back and reread those four sentences.

Same with one of the most pivotal scenes in the book: when Lucy falls into the violets and George kisses her.  This is the entire description of their kiss:

"George had turned at the sound of her arrival. For a moment he contemplated her, as one who had fallen out of heaven. He saw radiant joy in her face, he saw the flowers beat against her dress in blue waves. The bushes above them closed. He stepped quickly forward and kissed her."

That's it. The entire description of the moment that haunts Lucy (and presumably George) through the rest of the book. She has dreams about it. She blushes anytime anyone mentions violets. And yet, in the scene, we don't get a single detail of how she's feeling in the moment. No racing hearts. No quickening pulses. No electricity.

I read A Room with a View once with a book club, and the biggest complaint about it from my friends was that they didn't feel like there was any chemistry between Lucy and George. I think that conclusion is entirely due to the way Forster writes and how much it contrasts with the emotional detail we're used to in modern day writing. Think of that tome Twilight and its bare bones plot padded with excruciating detail of every thought Bella ever has about being near Edward or being confused by Edward or wanting to kiss or touch Edward. Page after page of descriptions of them not touching. Or think of the fifth Harry Potter book and the endless descriptions of teenage angst that made me want to stab myself in the eyes.

In contrast, Forster doesn't explicitly tell us what the two characters are thinking. Instead, we are expected to fill in the gaps with what we've observed and what we've imagined.

I loved Twilight. Despite its terrible cliched prose, I basked in the excruciatingly detailed descriptions of them not touching. And yet it's the violets that get my heart racing. In my mind, it's the ultimate romantic scene...

"At the same moment, the ground gave way, and with a cry she fell out of the wood. Light and beauty enveloped her. She had fallen on to a little open terrace, which was covered with violets from end to end....Standing at its brink, like a swimmer who prepares, was the good man. But he was not the good man that she had expected, and he was alone."

Re-reading this yesterday, I realized that I had put this scene in my own novel. It was inadvertent, but it's there - apparently at this point so much a part of my subconscious that when I tried to imagine the perfect romantic moment where a girl is kissed by a boy she kind of has a crush on but is in a bit of a muddle about, I put them on a natural terrace and created a still, quiet mood and the girl has a look on her face that gives the boy a reason to gather his courage and then...

He paused, looking straight at her, and Emma realized something was about to happen, something she wasn’t sure she wanted to face.

A shimmering silence enveloped them, a fragile stillness like a glass blanket. Emma was afraid to breath as Will bent hesitantly toward her, his eyes opened wide, staring straight into hers. At the last second, she closed her eyes and met his lips. A roar like a rushing waterfall filled her ears, a sound so loud that several seconds passed before she heard the chant in her head: I'm kissing Will. I'm kissing Will. I'm kissing Will. And then conscious thought broke through, and the chant turned into a shout that surged over the raging in her ears: I'm kissing Will! 

“Thomas!” she cried, breaking free from the kiss but still unconsciously clinging to Will. His eyes snapped open, and he looked at her with a mixture of surprise and eager expectation on his flushed face. 

“Thomas,” she said again. “Thomas. I'm dating Thomas.”

The perfect scene. The perfect view. Those glorious muddles. Without a doubt, my favorite book.

50 Books Challenge

I still have a Christmas post to write, but this is way more important...

I'm continuing to challenge myself to read 50 books a year. Last year, with my return to work, I didn't do so hot, but 41 isn't terrible.

As part of my challenge, I pick an author to read in-depth. This year, I chose F. Scott Fitzgerald since I had to read The Great Gatsby for school. I only made it through part of one other book by him before deciding I am not a fan.

• The Great Gatsby: ****
• This Side of Paradise: *

Despite not being a fan of John Green, I read two more books of his:

• The Fault in Our Stars: ****
• Paper Towns: ***

This is the only book I gave five stars to this whole year: A Monster Calls: *****

Except these two, which I have read more than once before:

• To Kill a Mockingbird *****
• Anne of Green Gables *****

Other books I read for school:

• Black Boy ***
• The Crucible ***
• A Raisin in the Sun ***
• Their Eyes Were Watching God: ***
• Speak ****
• A Child Called It ***

This book I couldn't finish because it was putting me to sleep on my commute: The Light Between Oceans*

Some non-fiction:

• Bossypants ****
• Blink ****

And the rest:

• The Sense of an Ending ****
• Between Shades of Grey ****
• Where the Mountain Meets the Moon ****
• The Engagements ****
• Wonder ****
• Mormon Wife ****
• All Our Yesterdays ****
• The Secret Keeper ****
• The One and Only Ivan ****
• Night Film ****
• I'd Tell You I Love You But Then I'd Have to Kill You ****
• Defending Jacob ****
• Eleanor and Park ****
• The Hiding Place ****
• The Final Empire ****
• The Shoemaker's Wife ***
• Lizzie Bright and the Buckminster Boy ***
• The Round House ***
• Before I Go to Sleep ***
• The Humming Room ***
• The Apothecary ***
• The Black Opal ***
• The Sea of Tranquility ***
• Juniper Berry ***
• Where'd You Go Bernadette **

On working full time

In my ideal world, parents would only work 30 hours a week instead of 40. Combined they'd get paid for a 60 hour week - more than the 40 hours an individual would work but so much more manageable than the 80 hours of two typical full time employees.

Similarly, sometimes I think about how much better off the world would be if every household had one person working full time and one person staying at home. Better for the environment. Better for relationships.

Before I went back to work...

• Dinner got made every night, which meant less trash and less factory farmed food.
• The house was always clean and the laundry actually got done.
• Michael and I both had more hours for freetime.
• The weekend was spent relaxing, rather than hustling to get chores done.

Things I've figured out since I started working:

• I have our groceries delivered through a company called Papa Spuds. They provide locally grown produce, milk, eggs, and meat, and it's delivered once a week right to our front door. It's the best thing in the world.
• I have the boys sorting their own laundry - both dirty and clean.

Things I have not figured out:

• when to clean the house
• how to balance getting stuff done on the weekends with getting to spend time relaxing and enjoying each other's company
• how to get enough sleep