Dear Lawn-mowing Men, Is It Really That Hard to Cover Up? (A Parody)

Dear Lawn-mowing Men,

Okay, I'm just going to say what everyone's thinking.

What's with all the controversy about shirtless lawn-mowing?

I mean, seriously.

Is it really that hard to cover up?

Here's the deal: Strangers don't want to see your areola. (Yeah, that's it.)

I don't get what part of that is offensive.

Look, I get it. I've mowed the lawn, so I totally understand that covering up can be a pain. At first, it's fine, but once the temperature hits 90 degrees, the sweat starts dripping down your back, pooling between your butt cheeks, and the whole lawn-mowing thing becomes a chore.

I've been there. I get it.

I've mowed the lawn in the spring, summer, and fall; in North Carolina's heat, up and down Kentucky's hills; while dying from allergies. One time, I even borrowed my parents' lawnmower so I could mow the tiny yard of the house I rented in college because my neighbors had begun ostracizing me and my roommates.

But, I still managed to keep my naked nipples covered while pushing the mower around the yard.

Really, is it that big of a deal?

I totally get the importance of normalizing lawn-mowing and spreading awareness that we are keeping our lawns healthy. Which, of course, is more important than anything.

I totally feel you. And I'm with ya.

But let's stop pretending that you're fighting a stigma that doesn't exist. Around here, when you tell someone you mow your lawn, you get compliments and praise. It's not California, where you really shouldn't have a lawn at all because you're in the middle of the worst drought in 1200 years.

Here, things are completely different.

And, if anything, there's unfair stigma on people who don't mow their lawns.

The truth is, unless you're Hugh Jackman, I don't want to see your naked boobs.

That doesn't mean I'm sexualizing lawn-mowing. It means that a naked male chest, to most people in our culture, is a sexual thing.

(Sorry. It's true. Whether there's a kid attached to it or not.) 

And, at least in my opinion, unless you have a perfectly sculpted chest and magnificent six pack, no amount of lawn-mowing is going to change the fact that the chest is still considered a 'naked part' in our society.

Yes, you are doing your household chores. Yes, it's hot. Yes, it's natural.

But you know what?

Your urine is a great fertilizer, but I don't see you flashin' your penis around.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe you're just trying to prove a point, and I just don't get it. We all mow our lawns our own way, and I love that. I really do think it's a beautiful thing that all lawns are different.

So, for what it's worth, this is just my own truth: I would really appreciate not seeing your naked parts. (Again, unless you're Hugh Jackman. Then by all means, mow your lawn without a shirt. Or even better, mow my lawn without a shirt. Everyone else, I'm sorry.)

So, go ahead.

Mow the lawn at the park, at the mall, in front of the church. Or hire someone. (I have.) Xeriscape your lawn, for all I care. (Seriously, you go bro.)

But don't hate me because I don't want to see your naked chest.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Lawn-Mower Who Just Doesn't Get It

(See the original breastfeeding post here.)